From the Mouth of Arjhan the Bard

Here We Come Adventuring

Here we come adventuring among the leaves so green;
Here we come a-wandering, so grim to be seen.
Spells and arrows fly towards you, and the melee fighters, too.
And we’ll stab you and take all your magic and gold,
And we’ll take all your magic and gold.

We are not daily beggars that beg from door to door;
We break right in and take it all, right down to the floor.
Spells and arrows fly towards you, and the melee fighters, too.
And we’ll stab you and take all your magic and gold,
And we’ll take all your magic and gold.

We have a bag of holding, made from red dragon skin;
We want a heap of jewels to line it well within.
Spells and arrows fly towards you, and the melee fighters, too.
And we’ll stab you and take all your magic and gold,
And we’ll take all your magic and gold.

We’ve plundered all the treasure, left here since long ago;
And now that we have stabbed you, we far away must go.
Grab the cash, say farewell, take the furniture as well.
And we’ve stabbed you and taken your magic and gold,
And we have all the magic and gold.


What Gnome Is This?

What Gnome is this, who, like a bitch,
The innkeeper is slapping?
Whom barmaids greet with gritted teeth,
One you’ll never catch napping?
This, this is F’lar the Gnome,
Who wanders in lands far from home:
Haste, haste to bring him ale,
Else he will surely slay thee.

Why lies he in such mean estate
Where foul wererats are slinking?
Good fathers, fear for daughters near;
The silent Gnome is drinking.

So bring him wenches, meat, and ale,
Come, innkeeper, to serve him.
He may be gone when comes the dawn,
So until then, endure him.


O Little Town of Edgecomb

O little town of Edgecomb,
How still we see the lie!
Beneath thy deep and stony streets
The silent rats creep by;
Yet ‘neath thy dark streets shineth
A red and burning Light;
Advent’rers brave with spell and glaive
To hunt some rats to-night.

Wererats and foul rat-demons,
Are gathered all below,
While mortals sleep, advent’rers creep
To lay the vermin low.
O arrows, blades and magic
Hasten their final breath!
Let rat-blood flow, and squeals of woe
Herald their grisly death.

How vi’lently, how vi’lently,
The filthy beasts are riven!
With sword and axe the heroes hack;
These rats won’t be forgiven.
No ears are left on rat-heads,
Uthrag collects them all.
The fray’s not fast, but at the last
The dread rat-demons fall.

Advent’rers now are happy;
They search the rooms for gold,
No coin they find, but they’re not blind;
That mirror looks quite old.
While warriors stand watching
Spellcasters read the signs;
The hellish door opens no more
The secret they did find.

They slay the spitting lizards,
Ascend back to the day.
‘Fore cheering crowd they now are proud:
For rat-beasts they did slay.
About their dread adventures
The heroes gladly tell;
“O listen here, bring me a beer,
And never mind the smell!”


Over the River and Through the Woods

Over the river and through the woods
To the bandit camp we go.
The elf knows the way to lead the parté;
The path he clearly shows.

Over the river and through the woods,
A bandit’s corpse we find.
They’ve cut his throat, but we don’t gloat;
We must be close behind.

Over the river and through the woods,
We’re running hard and fast;
We’ll catch them soon, and when we do,
They will have such a blast.

Over the river and through the woods
We’re looking high and low.
The trail is clear; we smell their fear
Of magic, blade and bow.

Over the river and through the woods;
Endurance checks we pass.
Through luck or skill we mean to kill,
No matter what our class.

Over the river and through the woods,
Now metal’s glint we spy.
Hurrah for fun; the chase is done;
Bandits are gonna die.


Sneaky, Evil Tree Stump

It’s a plain, innocent tree stump
In the middle of the glen.
I don’t care; I must know where
Now hide the bandit men.
But the sneaky, evil tree stump
Shoots quarrels everywhere.
They really hurt, “GM’s a jerk,”
They players all now blare.

Oh, fudge, the bearskin rug;
It can no longer see.
Somehow, still shoots at you;
Luckily, not at me.
Whack the sneaky, evil tree stump;
Holy shit, it’s ex-plod-ed.
Kuruk goes down, with great renown;
I pick shrapnel from my head.


Bandit Haikus

Beer of the evening:
Stouts of bourbon and oatmeal;
John cries: “Frambozen!”

Shooters on both sides,
A gnome creeping down the stream:
They’ll never expect this.

Bullfrog on F’lar’s head:
Bandits look on in surprise;
Advantage is ours.

Silvio on ledge:
Twin arrows scream towards bandits,
Both strike their mark deep.

Sorcery slays two;
Dragon-fire cuts down two more;
Arjhan feels quite smug.

Dwarvan holy words
Affect multiple creatures:
Used to great effect.

Apologize, Chief!
We cannot hear your rulings
So we ignore them.

Uthrag and Garth
Pound on enemy leaders;
They take a beating.

Joe crits yet again.
His enemies heads explode;
Seems he cannot miss.

Wererat leader sleeps.
His bodyguard defends him
And screams “Wake up, boss!”


The Hunt for White Feather

The Brothers of the Crystal left to find
The Stormcrows who’d been lost time out of mind.

Fearless and bold, they found the wise Wind Clan.
They sought not gold, but lore that they might plan.

The Raven, Chief Nytok, questioned their deed;
For strong Uthrag returned in time of need.

Uthrag’s strength was of body, not of mind:
His Brothers were left feeling rather blind.

Yet where might fails, forked tongue may find a way;
Arjhan and F’lar together saved the day.

Of prophecy the Wind Clan elder spoke:
Who would return when fell spirits awoke?

The dread White Feather made of men his feast;
One who sought only lore would slay the beast.

The Brothers swore the beast would not survive.
And with his death, the Clan one more would thrive.

At once they left, accepting no delay;
With F’lar and Silvio to lead the way.

A hunting trail – the spirit’s tracks they found
And soon discerned a rumbling in the ground.

White Feather came; with furious battle cry
The Brotherhood let spells and arrows fly.

With mighty blows, Uthrag and Garth attacked,
Through subtle stealth, F’lar struck White Feather’s back.

Though spirit’s claws sought to his death decree,
With iron strength, the bold Uthrag broke free.

Through spell and hammer, axe, and dragonfire,
White Feather bled, and at the last, expired.

Victoriously, the Brothers claimed their prize;
White Feather’s form dissolved before their eyes.

A single claw remained, and seven plumes
To mark the newborn tribe, and spirit’s doom.


Crow Hunt

Hark to the tale of adventurers dauntless,
Unhuman Brothers both daring and bold.
Quest on behalf now of Crystal their mistress;
Seeking the Company called the Stormcrows.

Once they were heroes; but fallen to shadow
hated and dreaded now is that cartel.
Unhuman Brothers their trail now will follow:
to convey a message or learn how they fell.

First to the land of the Tribe called Windrider;
homeland of Uthrag, the warrior brave.
There the companions contend with White Feather,
spirit of evil, Windriders to save.

Onwards they travel through dangerous orc-lands;
come to the ancient hill called Stormcrow Tor.
Midnight brought strife with a bold orcish warband.
Swift was the battle; the orcs hunt no more.

Deep in the caverns, the heroes don’t waver;
meet with the kenku, TrueTalon’s sly clan.
Forked tongue and flourish grant Arjhan their favor;
Bargain is struck; they agree to a plan.

Deep in the caverns lair monsters of fungus;
heroes assault them, foul spores they evade.
They’ve earned their answers, but wisely did mistrust;
TrueTalon lies: by kenku they’re betrayed.

Kenku are sly but no match for the Brothers:
talon and chain met by sword, axe and fire.
Bird-folks’ pet monster seeks heroes to smother;
through courage and luck all the kenku expire.

Onward the Brotherhood, seeking their answers,
they find more kenku and summoned undead.
F’lar slips through battle as light as a dancer;
Uthrag leaves kenku bereft of their heads.

Finally kenku and spirits are beaten;
heroes are worn but victorious at last.
Searching for plunder they find what they’re seeking:
mortal remains hid by ghosts of the past.

Here lies Illugi, once called the Swordbreaker,
battles all ended, he sleeps in his tomb.
The Emerald Warlock also met his maker;
magic could not prevent his final doom.


Bhaar’nei the Purple

After much questioning, Arjhan finally yielded to his companions’ relentless curiosity and shared with them some of his knowledge of the ancient, reviled dragonborn exile known as Bhaar’nei the Purple.

“In ancient times, during the glory of the Arkhosian Empire, there was a dragonborn named Bhaar’nei. He was known for his brilliant violet scales, and also for his skill as a bard; he had a gift for creating songs that drew the attention of all that heard them and stayed with the listeners for days afterward. Unfortunately, his fame and wealth led him to become grossly fat and disgusting to look upon. It was also rumored that Bhaar’nei had a…disturbing interest in children, especially human and elven children. He was said to have recruited and brainwashed them into deadly shock troopers, known as ‘fhrends,’ from an ancient dragonborn word meaning ‘slave warrior.’

“Ultimately, Bhaar’nei was exiled from Arkhosia, along with his most feared and loyal allies, Bay b’Bopp, Beejay, and Ryph. His fhrends either died defending him or fled with him; only a scant handful were saved.

“Although Bhaar’nei’s original compositions were destroyed on the grounds that they were harmful to the psyche of sentient beings – and likely the source of Bhaar’nei’s mind-control powers – a few fragments remain. They are as follows”.

I Hate You

(the war-song of Bhaar’nei’s fhrends)

I hate you, you hate me,
we are bitter enemies.
With a great big axe
and a chop from me to you,
won’t you bleed
and then die, too?

(repeat 500,000 times)

Bhaar’nei Is Our Overlord

(This song was sung continuously by the fhrends as a brainwashing tactic)

Bhaar’nei is the overlord
Of this administration.
He rules us all;
Soon you will fall
To his dread fascination.

Bhaar’nei’s minions great and small
Inhabit many places.
If you are wise
You’ll only ever
Show them smiling faces.

Bhaar’nei shows us lots of things
Like how to fight and kill.
You’d better never
Make him sad
Our your blood we will spill.

Bhaar’nei comes to play with us
Just when we least expect him
Bhaar’nei can be your friend too;
You’d better not reject him!

At this point Arjhan’s companions suggested that they did not need to hear any further examples of Bhaar’nei’s nefarious nature, and offered him the chance for some nice, quiet sleep. Uthrag volunteered to locate Silvio, who had vanished some time ago, and who was eventually located hiding under a fallen log with moss stuffed in both ears.

From the Mouth of Arjhan the Bard

Crystal Assembly Chief